life · Pregnancy

So it is said, “and never have I been in my supplication to You, Allah, unhappy”

Assalamualaikum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Tiba sudah saatnya saya berbagi cerita tentang kehamilan pertama saya. Alhamdulillah, sekarang sudah memasuki minggu keenambelas. Namun, di kesempatan kali ini saya akan sedikit mundur ke periode trimester pertama. Saya memang berjanji pada diri sendiri; jika kehamilan sudah menginjak usia 4 bulan, kelak saya akan menulis pengalaman selama trimester awal. And this is the time!

Pregnancy is a wonderful journey and being pregnant is a total blessing, particularly for me. Before those two pink bands appeared, I was afraid I would not be able to conceive.

It roots back to my irregular menstrual cycle. It has happened from my junior high school time, not long after I witnessed my first period. Mum brought me to an obstetrician / gynecologist , or simply we put ob/gyn, to examine if there was any dysfunction(s) or even hidden reproductive disease(s). Alhamdulillah, no negative results came up at that time. He, the ob/gyn, convinced my mum that it was normal for girls having irregular cycle during their teenage. He said, I would eventually have a regular cycle when I reach 20.

So the story went. I observed that my cycle would be ruined whenever I was under-pressure e.g. those frenetic-sleepless days writing my final year research, obsessively aiming straight A in final exam(s); and when I was exhausted. At the age of 20, I went back to ob/gyn who was recommended by my aunt. She advised to take pills, which happened to be birth control pills. I was a devoted anti-pills person at that moment ( I decided to apply RUM to my own self when I was a 5th grader after realising that I’ve been excessively consuming meds since infancy) and it was a difficult decision to make. I knew that those pills would affect my hormones, because that was just how they worked. Long story short, i took that. My cycle then became dependent to the pills. About 2 or 3 years later, I let nature take its part. Bye pills. Although my cycle was still a total mess but, bye pills!

In June 2015, I went back to, another, ob/gyn. This time was a bit intense. I knew that I’ll be married in near future and I really need to get any issue settled. The ob/gy, again, said that there’s nothing to be worried about. From ultrasound scan, I was assured that all OK. “Don’t worry. Go ahead, you’ll be fine. If your marriage hits its 1st anniversary and there are still no signs of conceiving, then you may want to consider medical intervention. Have faith.” Insya Allah, i replied. Allah knows the best.

Getting closer to the W-day, I was occupied with whatever-you-name-it-wedding-prep-stuff. Still with the irregularity, I was haunted by the notion of infertility. Naudzubillahminzalik. I passed my first month of marriage without menstruation which marked the 3rd month of its absence. “I want to conceive at the soonest, I want it” as I echoed, I put unnecessary stress to my own head. I remember how I was so determined in every attempt and was desperately pulled back whenever I received only one strip. I failed. How weak this person could be, how narrow her mind was, how ungrateful she was. She forgot, Allah is the Best Planner and outside her cage, there are so many women fighting for their dreams much much much longer that she has been doing, stronger than she was, but patiently working on each of their painful and time-consuming, not to mention, tests. They are all strong. I was ashamed. 

Allah will hear to every supplications made. That is what i believe. I let go some tensions and gathered my perseverance back. In that first month, which was May, i bled. It continued to  June. Me and my husband worked as a team to track my ovulation with irregular cycle. Alhamdulillah, thanks to Larry Page and Sergey Brin, Google’s founding fathers, we got this formulation:

  1. Find your longest and shortest cycles.
  2. Subtract your shortest cycle with 18 and your longest one with 11. 
  3. You will get to numbers which reflect your ovulation period. For example, 28-18 = 10 and 36-11 = 25. That means the best days for TTC (trying-to-conceive) are between the 10th day of your period to the 25th.

Once we had the date, we put our best effort and being tawakkal until one of the happiest mornings in my life came.

That was Wednesday. Saya memberanikan diri menggunakan test pack with trembling hands. That time, I was ready for another cry. Sambil berdzikir, saya angkat test pack sampai setinggi kening. Sambil gemetar, hati saya mencelos. “Allah.” Menangis lagi deh. But wait! Hey, wait! I said, WAIT! “Is that? Is that? Is that a second fine thin strip?” Rushing out of bathroom, saya terawang lagi alat cek itu, kali ini di depan jendela agar terkena sinar matahari. Allahu Akbar. Alhamdulillahirabbil Alamin!

Ever since that day, another heart beats within me 🙂

Allah yang Maha Baik, Pencipta Terbaik. Yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang.

Allah works in a super unpredictable way – indeed.

I am not sure whether I’ve been happier before but July 27th proofs that love and compassion could transcend everything. “I love you far before I met you.”

Rabbi habli minaassolihiin, as Prophet Ibrahim (AS) whispered.

Wassalamualaikum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

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